Harry Potter in a Nutshell
by Mits
Summary: Parody summary of the Harry Potter series. Each chapter is a different book from the series!
1. Sorcerer's Stone

**Disclaimer: I do not, in fact, own Harry Potter. How sad.**

**Author's Note:** I've been meaning to write this for so long. Here's the first book, and I'll get the next six out when I can. Oh, and I don't hate Harry Potter. It's just meant as a joke. So, don't take it too seriously. Oh, and a request: could you please inform me of any typos? That would be great.

_**Harry Potter in a Nutshell**  
The Sorcerer's stone_

Harry: I'm the boy Cinderella, and my life sucks!

Vernon: Time to abuse Harry!

Dudley: Do you think I could be an even bigger brat if I tried?

_Owls come in from everywhere_

Vernon: Nope, completely normal.

_More owls_

Vernon: Damn. Time to move because the post is such a horrid thing!

Harry: Well, that's normal

Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!

Harry: Yippee! I always knew I was amazing

Vernon: Damn. There goes my whipping boy

Petunia: Damn. There goes my slave

Dudley: Damn. There goes my bitch

_Hagrid and Harry go to Diagon Alley_

Harry: I'm rich! I'm rich! Yippee! I'm rich!

Olivander: Curious, very curious. Here's your wand.

Harry: Wait. I'm rich AND famous?! I'm amazing!

Hagrid: Oh, Gotta go. Have fun finding the invisible platform on your own.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Ron: Bloody hell! I'm friends with that famous guy. Go me.

Harry: Noooooo! I don't want to be evil!

Sorting Hat: Okie dokie then. Don't listen to me.

Dumbledore: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Harry: Is he –a bit mad?

Percy: Nope, he can't be! He's the one teaching us.

_People stare at Harry_

Harry: Still famous! Yay!

Snape: I hate you, Jam- I mean Harry!

Harry: Oh no! Somebody doesn't like me!

Draco: Bet you can't fly!

Harry: Bet you I can!

_Harry flies and does an amazing dive_

McGonagall: No detention for you, Potter, despite Hooch having said you'd be expelled for doing that; I need a seeker!

Harry: What's a seeker?

Ron: Hermione's U-G-L-Y, ugly. And she's a freak!

_Hermione hears it and cries_

_Harry and Ron defeat a troll despite barely knowing any magic._

Harry: How to catch the snitch? Hmm better eat it!

_The trio trick Hagrid into telling them a name_

Harry: Neat-o Presents! Ooooh Shiny cloak!

Harry: Mommmmy! I can see you!

Hagrid: I is a mommy! Look at my dragon!

Draco: Ohhh I'm telling!

Hagrid: Let's go into the Forbidden Forest where all the dangerous creatures live. Oh, and better split up!

Harry: ooh Who are you?

_Firenze saves Harry._

Hagrid: I think I'll give you even more clues about the stone! Oh, oops.

_Fluffy is sleeping when they arrive_

Harry: Awwww someone beat us!

_The trio gets past ridiculously difficult obstacles meant to stop fully aged wizards despite being first years._

Harry: Well, I am amazing AND famous, of course I get by them.

Quirrell: I is evil!

Voldemort: Shut up, minion! Get me the stone!

Harry: Hey, what's that in my pocket? Cool! I gots the stone! Yay me!

Voldemort: I kill you!

Harry: Bloody hell! You're trying that again?

_The power of LOVE defeats Voldemort_

Voldemort: Again? This little brat beats me AGAIN?! Goddamnit.

Dumbledore: You're not dead!

Harry: I know. Famous people can't die!

Dumbledore: I'm giving my favorite house just enough points to win! I has the power!

Harry: Man, I don't want to go home. I'm not famous there!

**--**

**Thank you for reading!**

**Please Review.**


	2. Chamber of Secrets

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor any of the characters mentioned**

**Author's Note: **I _did_ mention that I almost never update, right? oops?

_**Harry Potter in a Nutshell  
**The Chamber of Secrets_

Harry: I'm a wizard dammit, leggo my owl!

Dudley: I want more bacon

Harry: You forgot the MAGIC word!

Vernon: ZOMG HOW DARE YOU SAY MAGIK!

Harry: Stupid muggles can't even remember my birthday, and I'm famous!

Dobby: Dobby loves Harry Potter, sir!

Harry: Ohhhh, a fan! I like you but shut up!

Dobby: Don't go to Hoggywarts! Is bad for Harry Potter

Harry: Bu-but I'm famous there!

_Dobby makes a cake fall on the important muggles head_

Harry: Aw bloody hell. Vernon's vein is sticking out. Can't be good.

Vernon: I HATE YOU, BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP YOU IN MY HOUSE INSTEAD OF SENDING YOU AWAY.

_Ron appears in a flying car_

Ron: What the hell, Harry! You didn't answer my love letters!

Harry: err- Sorry, Ron.

Fred: Now, just yup! Right just put this over the bars, perfect! Yeah, I've helped loads of prisoners escape before; I know what I'm doing.

_Harry stays with the Weasleys'_

Arthur: Just go in the chimney with all this dust, say a few words, and BAM you'll be in Diagon Alley

Harry: Easy, peasy. I mean, I defeated Voldemort as a baby, this'll be easy!

_Harry messes up_

Lucius: yeah, I've got all these super deadly poisons in my house. I think it'd be best to hide the evidence for a while.

Harry: Oh snap.

Lockhart: I love me. I love me. I LOVE ME.

Harry: I hate that guy! He thinks he's better than ME, and I'm fuckin' Harry Potter!

_Lucius does something super sneaky with Ginny's books. _

Harry: The portal won't open! What are we going to do?! I HAVE to go to Hogwarts or else I won't gave my daily dose of obsessive fans!

Ron: Well, we could just fly there! I doubt my parents have a better idea

_Harry and Ron fly into a tree. Amateurs._

Lockhart: This year -I love me- we'll be -I love me- studying ME! Because I'm super magical AND famouser than Harry Potter

_Colin falls in love with Harry_

Harry: And I'm the seeker, which means I'm the most important player out there naturally.

Draco: Filthy dirtyfluidconsistingofplasma_blood_cellsandplatelets!

Ron: Oh no you didn't!

_Ron's spell backfires, and he becomes one with the snails._

Harry: Woah! What's that weird noise that only I can hear? Maybe I'm schizoph-No! It's because I'm the WORLD FAMOUS Harry Potter!

Nick: Come to a party that'll celebrate me being dead, kay?

Harry: Here Kitty, kitty! Hey guys, look at that cute, frozen look on her face!

**THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENDED! ENEMIES OF THE HAIR, WEAR A HAT. **

Hermione: WHAT?! OMG, It can't be true! How can something exist that I've never even read about!?

Colin: Hey heir of Slyth- I mean, Harry!

Harry: I'm going to pretend I hate this, but really any publicity is good publicity!

Hermione: Let's make some polygenic potion! I'm wicked smart, it can't be too hard for me!

Harry: Heh, even bludgers can't get enough of me!

Lockhart: Not to worry, not to worry! Watch this!

_Harry loses all the bones in his arm. _

Lockhart: oopsies poopsies.

Dobby: Dobby wasn't trying to kill you, sir. Dobby just wanted to maim you enough that you'd be unable to stay at Hoggywarts!

Harry: Oh! Well, that changes everything.

Draco: Let's dance, Potter!

_Begins to Duel_

Harry: Stop, you snake! I command ye!

Ron: Wowow, you speak snake!

Harry: I know. Famous and all powerful, remember?

Ernie: ZOMG Harry's like The BAD GUY!

_Harry and Ron turn into the beautiful Crabbe and Goyle_

Harry: No one's going to know I'm the one who lived anymore!

_Harry pouts_

_Hermione turns into a cat_

Harry: Oh, neat! A diary! I can write all my hopes and dreams in it. Yay!

Riddle: Hello, Harry Potter! I'm a diary!

Harry: Wicked! Another person that'll obsess over me.

Hagrid: Pretty spider. Such a cute lil' spider.

Riddle: Hey, you! STOP OPENING THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS AND KILLING PEOPLE

Hagrid: But he's just an innocent, deadly spider!

Hermione: I've got to go the library!

Harry: Have fun, ya nerd.

_Hemione's petrified. _

Aragog: I'm friends with Hagrid, not you. Mmmm Dinner.

Harry: Maybe we should -uh go visit our supposedly best friend

Ron: Wow! Hermione is smart. She figured out that it's a huge snake! Yay

**HER SKELETON WILL LIE IN THE CHAMBER FOREVER… dun dun dun**

Ron: That jerk's got my sister!

Snape: Ey, Lockhart. You're a big hero, right? Why don't you save the day already?

Lockhart: Er-I love me- I guess I could -I love me- try and ….RUN AWAY

_Harry says the super secret password and opens the entrance_

Lockhart: Now, since I love me so much, I can't have you ruining my reputation, so I'm just going to…

_Lockhart tries to cast a spell, but it backfires_

Harry: Well, he's pretty much useless and so are you Ron, so I'm just going to go ahead and be the hero. Again.

Riddle: We meet again, Harry. Oh, and by the way, I'M VOLDY VOLDY MORT! … mwuahaha.

Harry: Dammit. Again? Why won't you die already?!

_Riddle summons the basilisk_

Harry: Crap, crap, crap. I've got to battle that thing? No fair!

_Harry kills the basilisk_

Riddle: Hah, you're dying, Potter! YAY ME, I finally killed you!

Harry: Nah, the hero never dies! Huzah! Fawkes, save me!

_Fawkes cries, and it saves Harry. _

Harry: Told ya so.

_Harry stabs the diary_

_Riddle dies_

Harry: Wow, I'm so amazing. I killed that loser, AGAIN

_Everyone's happy _

_blah blah blah_

_Harry's a hero _

_Blah blah blah_

_Lucius is a bad, bad man. _

_Blah blah blah_

_Percy's got a girlfriend_

_Yada yada yada_

_Happy Ending! _

**THE END**


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